Seth starts school in a WEEK!

I'm of course excited, but also nervous. I guess every mom is nervous about that, right? But I feel like I'm MORE nervous.

Today at the park there were some moms there I knew and one I just met, whose daughter is exactly one year (+/- 3 days) younger than Seth. And she is taller than him by like an inch! She's a tall girl, but I hate that. So I hope Seth isn't like the smallest boy in his class. I mean, at all his doctor appointments he's exactly average, has always been in the 50th percentile...so why do all other four year olds (and some three year olds) look HUGE compared to him?

And then there are other things, just things I think he should be doing and I'm not sure if he just doesn't WANT to or can't, and I'm afraid that I'll find out he can't and he is more behind than I think he is, and that makes me feel bad. I know there's always a chance that once he gets around kids his own age (all the people we hang out with have two year olds) that he'll figure it out and get to it...so I'm trying not to be too worried.

This is just my least favorite part about being a parent. I hate the fact that once he goes out into the real world, he's going to get hurt. Not physically, although I DO worry about that, but emotionally. He's sensitive and shy and I just don't want anyone to make him feel like he's not good enough for whatever reason. How do you not beat down other kids (or their parents) who make your kid feel bad? It has to be tough.

Anyway. I think preschool is going to be a good experience for both of us. It'll hopefully help me feel better about where he's at, and hopefully help him gain a little confidence and make some friends his age. So I'm really really trying to not be so nervous.

It's not working.

Music

I know I'm getting older in that I find myself not liking much new music and thinking that the music from "my" era was the best. My era was the 90s; the birth of grunge and the aftermath. I remember the first time I saw "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Evenflow" on MTV. I was in complete, open mouth awe. THIS was the music I had been waiting for. THESE troubled people were the ones that were speaking for my generation.

But you know, as much as I love the music still, it's hard for me to listen to it. I really have a tendency to heavily associate whatever songs are out with whatever is going on in my life...so almost every single song is all wrapped up in some guy or other. Kind of sad, huh?

Most of the early stuff reminds me of my first boyfriend Eric. All that really angry stuff always brings back those intense feelings of first love gone bad. Alice in Chains especially, because damn, that was angry shit. And I was an angry girl.

And then there are a few songs here and there that will bring back somebody I dated only briefly, and most of these are not great memories either. I can't listen to John Lennon (who I LOVE) because it totally reminds me of this TOTAL PSYCHO I dated. Every single time I hear "Woman" I want to kick myself for ever letting that man within ten feet of me. UGH.

The entire "Before These Crowded Streets" CD reminds me of Chris the volleyball player and that summer we had together. I spent the summer on the beach, watching him play, and then we'd go out down in Saugatuck at night and drink and dance...yeah, those are good memories. Even though I know it would never have worked out permanently with him, that was a fun summer.

And then pretty much everything else reminds me of my husband. This summer, we have known each other ten years. So I was 21 when we met, and I'm 31 now...so basically the great majority of my adult life and the music from those years, all wrapped up in him. Some good, a lot bad...there were so many melancholy times in my life where we were on the outs, and so many songs that bring that back. I have this CD by Counting Crows from when they were on VH1 storytellers, and they are my favorite band and it is a GREAT CD. But it just makes me so sad that I only listen to it if I'm already feeling that way.

Anyway. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, just something I was thinking about today.

FYI to my cat

First of all, I don't know how you got the impression that I want to pet you at 6 a.m., but I don't. Please wait until my eyes are open and I am moving before you start licking my face, meowing, and purring. It's not cute before sunrise, trust me.

If the kids are up, just hide. You know at some point they're going to chase you, so why do you even bother? Do you wake up each morning thinking, "today is going to be the day when they don't chase me"? While I admire your optimism, they are going to chase you. Every day. Please make a note of it.

The bed does not belong to you. I know this is a tough one, as you sleep on it all day without incident. At night when we get in it, you're going to have to adjust accordingly. Two tall people in a queen size bed do not leave a lot of room for a cat...so don't get pissed and try to maul my foot every time I move. And last night, when you snuck up and were sleeping in the pillows (with your butt dangerously near my face)...let's just see that never happens again, ok?

I promise I will not suck you up in the vacuum. You can still hiss at it and run when I bring it out, but I just want to ease your mind.

If you're going to spend 10 minutes scratching litter after you poop, why don't you try to actually cover the poop instead of spreading cat litter for a three feet radius around the box? Just a suggestion.

And one final thing...making a mad dash for the door when it's open is really a bad idea. I'm pretty sure that's how you ended up at the pound in the first place, and I would like to keep you if at all possible.

Thank you and stay fuzzy.