On being a mother

In honor of Mother's Day tomorrow...

It never ceases to amaze me how motherhood is both the singlemost rewarding and the singlemost frustrating experience. How can someone you love SO MUCH also be somebody that you just cannot stand to be around for one more second some days? How can you go from wanting to lock your children in the basement to wanting to squeeze them in a fraction of a second?

And I get so worried. Most of the parents I know want to do better for their kids than they think their parents did for them. But how do you do that without screwing them up? I was just reading some thing (Dr. Dobson, I think?) and the guy said that HE thinks that leaving your children all your money when you die does them a disservice. What? I always thought that's what you worked for...I mean, you work for YOU and YOUR LIFE, but also to leave something for your kids, so hopefully they won't have to struggle as much as you did. I mean, I can see his point, character is built through struggle...but I would hope that I would have taught my kids right so that they wouldn't lose their heads.

So basically, if you don't do enought for your kids, they're screwed up for life...and if you do too much for your kids, they're screwed up for life. Hmm. I hope it's not as delicate a balance as it seems to be. I guess at some point a parent has to accept that they're going to screw up their kids in some way, and just do the best they can in spite of it.

ANYWAY. Before I had kids, I never really thought about what it would be like. I never "planned" for them or "dreamed" for them...I figured one day I would have them and didn't give it too much thought beyond that. I remember before I had Seth, my cousin said that after she had kids she was surprised just how much she could love someone else, and it seemed like a cliche to me at the time, but it is so true. It IS like your heart walking around outside of your body. I never knew that the smell of my daughter's hair would be so intoxicating (I'm in trouble when she figures out what I'm doing...she would never stand for that much affection if she knew that's what it was). I never knew that my son's laugh could bring joy into my heart, even on the darkest of days.

No matter what happens, I don't regret a minute of my life...because it's what led up to creation of my kids, and I can't imagine life without them.